Are you ‘sick enough’? Thoughts on disability imposter syndrome
I’m a fraud. I don’t deserve my qualifications or my job. I’ve somehow managed to trick everyone, so they view me as someone that I’m not. I’ve just been lucky. One day my luck will run out, and then they’ll realise I’m a fake.
Sounds familiar? That’s imposter syndrome, a widespread phenomenon characterised by self-doubt, insecurity and a feeling of being somehow out of place. We doubt our achievements and talents, feeling that we’re not the person that others seem to believe that we are. It’s a concept that’s gained a lot of attention in recent years, with CEOs, politicians, musicians and actors all discussing their experiences of imposter syndrome.
How does this relate to disability?
Well, have you ever wondered whether you’re really entitled to call yourself disabled? Doubted whether you’re disabled enough?
Welcome to disability imposter syndrome. It’s not just you who feels like this!
Disability imposter syndrome can appear in a number of forms. It might simply be a unwillingness to claim the disability label (even though you want to), or a sense of discomfort engaging with the disabled community. It might also look like a reluctance to make use of support that you think might help you - like mobility aids or reasonable adjustments at work or in education - because you ‘don’t really need it’.
It seems like there are two common factors behind a lot of experiences of disability imposter syndrome. Firstly, the preponderance of societal narratives around disability ‘fakers’. Secondly, elements of internalised ableism leading to a subconscious reluctance to claim a disabled identity.
The internet is rife with people claiming to have ‘uncovered the truth’ about a disabled creator who is allegedly ‘faking their disability’ (often because they’ve been spotted doing something that apparently a ‘real disabled person wouldn’t be able to’). We regularly see media coverage about people who are allegedly lying to gain access services for disabled peope, like this article blaming ‘fakers’ for failures of airport assistance. Perhaps you’ve approached medical professionals, only to be told that it’s ‘all in your head’.
Support systems prioritise weeding out applicants who are deemed to be ‘fraudsters’ over offering meaningful and accessible help. And those of us with hidden disabilities have to field an endless cycle of questions from strangers, family and even friends who think that we ‘don’t look disabled’. Spending so much time being told that you’re not really disabled is almost inevitably going to lead you feel uncertain and to wonder whether they might be right.
There can also be an element of internalised ableism underlying the issue. If you’re not familiar with the term, this occurs when disabled people pick up on and internalise the harmful narratives about disability that we hear around us. Societally, disability is so often treated as some kind of bad word; people will reach around for every possible euphemism before willingly describing you as ‘disabled’.
Disabled people are portrayed as helpless, passive subjects to be pitied (except for the small number that are ‘inspirational’ instead). Internalising these ideas means that, subconsciously, disability is something we’re made to want to distance ourselves from; disabled people are so ‘othered’ that we can’t, or don’t want to, imagine ourselves as one of them.
Plus, when we’re disabled and actually not incompetent (because, surprise suprise, real disabled people are actually real, autonomous people), it creates a sense of cognitive dissonance that leads us to question whether we really belong. Becoming aware of this thought process means we can begin to rebuild our ideas and assumptions about disability, becoming more confident in our disabled identity as we do.
Many disabled people have experienced this sense of imposter syndrome at some point in their journey. It can be a particular issue for people with hidden disabilities, people who have been diagnosed later in life, and those with fluctuating and/or energy limiting conditions.
If you can do something one day but not the next, it can be easy to convince yourself that you must just not be ‘trying hard enough’. If you’ve gone without support for years before being diagnosed, you might wonder whether you can really need it now. And while it may be true that you are physically able to complete a task or activity, try not to forget or downplay what ‘coping’ may have cost you, in terms of time, energy or pain. If something is there that could make your life easier, it makes complete sense to use it!
Of course, it should also be acknowledged that, too often, the support simply isn’t there whether you reach out or not. But when it is, don’t feel guilty about using whatever you need - it’s there for people just like you and me.
Written by Sophie Kitching